Sunday, December 26, 2004


The last week has been a fairly emotional one for me. A weird mixture of good and bad.

I have definitely had some wonderful quiet times and prayer with our Lord, and I try to keep focused on that, but there has been so many othere things affecting me too.

I have already talked about the stresses of the job, and so I don't need to go into too much more here. It has been rough. Since I thouhgt I would be working way back in october or november, all of my finances are pretty screwed up (which is unfortunately nothing new for me) so I am currently trying to make enough to finish paying for last quarter so that I can register for the upcoming quarter. This has been increasingly stressful as january approaches, I believe I am about half the way there, but everything depends on how much people are tipping. Rich people seem to be more stingy than the middle class in that area....
So there is that.

More troublesome was the fact that I am almost 2000 miles away from home at Christmas for the first time in my life. Thanksgiving was tough, but I still had friends around to be with and have dinner with, Christmas was the opposite. My friend Jon and I were the only ones in town, and I had to work both Christmas eve and Christmas day. When I called home last night to talk to my family it was a bag of mixed emotions. I was joyful because I was able to talk to just about every one in my family, but hearing the voices made me sad that I could not be with them. I am certainly blessed to have a family that is supportive and that loves me like they do. We went through a lot as a family this year when we lost my Grandma, so I have felt a lot closer to them all. All I really wanted last night was to give and recieve hugs from them. I never thought that would be the specific thing I miss, but I do. I miss giving my aunts and uncles a warm embrace that many families do not take the opportunity to share. I know I am rambling, but anyway..

To top that all off I have been looking at all of my photos the last couple of nights. I saw so many joyous occasions and such, but the things that stood out to me the most were the people who have passed away, as well as thefriendships in those pictures that have now become fractured. I have been a poor friend to many people and I know that part of it is moving on and such, but my heart still grieves for some of those friendships.


But I do need to mention the blessings as well. I have a job, that is a blessing. God has provided me with close friends out here, including Jon and so many people who are home for the holidays. God as also completely surprised me with an emerging relationship with Katie. We are still in a very ealry part of it all, but she has been such a blessing and one of the things that has kept me smiling this Holiday season. And finally, just the fact that I am in California right now is such a blessing. To be going to an amazing school and enjoy my studies at a level I have never known before is amazing enough, but the fact that I am constantly learning about Jesus is indescribable.

So, for those of you who have been around in the last year, I am not in the midst of a deep depression like I was before. I am just in an unsettling moment amidst a greater stability in Christ. He lives in me, and my knowledge of him (limited as it may be) is the greatest thing I have.

Peace to all